A GRAIN OF WHEAT

When did prayer get so complicated? When I was a kid I would get on my knees and say a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers and feel like I had communicated with God. Now that I am older, and perhaps wiser (or not), I am painfully aware that my prayer is completely deficient. In prayer, I often feel a lot like a child; I have come before the Father with nothing but my own needs and desires. It is sometimes difficult for me to just rest with God because I often feel like I should be “doing” something. I never realized that resting was such hard work.

I know that my spiritual life must mature with my physical life, but the growing pains can be tough. I guess I’m in the awkward adolescent stage. I’m no longer sure how I should approach God, except, obviously, as a sinner. But by no means am I complaining of this awkwardness. It is precisely because it is uncomfortable that I know I am on the right path. Anyways, I’m sure that no one arrives at the desired Destination in this life. It seems to me that life is a continual struggle to resist sin and move toward God.

I think that line of thought, the constant movement toward God, is what prayer is. It sounds so simple, but we can only go as far as God will bring us. Of course, that opens up an entirely different set of thoughts. Is prayer our doing, or the doing of the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit of course. So in this light, it is not I who prays, rather, it is the Lord who draws me into prayer. I hope that in time the Holy Spirit will lead me into fruitful prayer where I am not concerned about trivial matters, such as what I’m supposed to “do”. I guess that coming before God and being open to the movements of the Holy Spirit is the best that I can hope to achieve.